An Epiphany
So last night, I was in the process of trying to choose my new phone. I say “choose”, because even though I already know the phone I want, I was stalling by watching YouTube videos, reading numerous reviews and trying to decide on if I really wanted that specific phone. It’s the Google Pixel 6 if you’re wondering. I even considered getting the iPhone 13 instead. Tbh at this point, I should have realised I wasn’t thinking straight because I don’t even like iPhones. Love my MacBook, but the iPhone just doesn’t really do it for me. At a point I got super nervous, my heart started beating really fast and I started to panic.
Why? I felt like I don’t deserve to spend such a huge amount of money on getting a new phone when there’s nothing wrong with the one I’m currently using. I said to myself, “Raks, you might need this money for something else, what if there’s an emergency? Why are you spending this much money on a phone?”
I realised that deep down inside there’s something that makes me feel like I don’t deserve good things. Or I shouldn’t get nice things for myself. The funny part is that I teased God about gifting me a new phone as one of my birthday presents, and shortly after my friend sent me the money for the phone and said God asked her to send the money. So it’s not even like I’m spending my own money or savings or anything like that. Anyway, I decided to sleep on it instead of making the transfer.
This morning, I woke up with an epiphany. I need to live life. I need to enjoy life. I can’t keep feeling guilty about being blessed. Sometimes it feels unreal how far God has brought me, how much he has blessed me. I’m almost confused about what to do with such abundance. I find it easier to give to others instead of spending on myself. I realised I can’t keep being afraid that I will somehow be disappointed or left in scarcity, all of a sudden. I can’t keep thinking that God will make me get used to a certain kind of lifestyle and then I’ll suddenly be unable to maintain it or keep up with it.
I looked around my room and I realised that I haven’t decorated it, or added anything because each time I want to, I tell myself “you might soon leave here, so don’t buy anything”. I live anticipating change so much that I forget to just breathe and enjoy the moment and the present. It’s probably a result of all the disruption and disappointment I experienced in my childhood, so I subconsciously brace for the worst. I’ve been living here since January, and asides from the TV I bought, I haven’t really invested in making it home. God gave me my own space like I prayed so hard for and I’ve not even let myself relax enough to enjoy it because I’m afraid that something will happen and I’ll suddenly not be able to afford my rent and I’ll have to move out. Which is frankly ridiculous.
Here is an excerpt from my journal this morning
Each day I’m learning that it’s not enough to dream about a certain kind of life. I have the control to live it. There’s absolutely nothing stopping me from living the life of my dreams. Even God is in support of me living the life of my dreams. Sometimes I get afraid and my heart can scarcely believe it. I don’t want to take it in, in case it all gets taken away. In case things get worse. I didn’t even realise this is a fear I’ve been nursing. The fear of getting used to a certain life and having it ripped away from me.
And God said to me
Don’t live your life in fear and the fear of scarcity my beloved. I love you and I want you to have an live an abundant life. Enjoy yourself my darling, enjoy yourself.
So today I started to live in the present. I love morning routines, so I woke up and made myself a cup of tea and no, it didn’t feel pretentious. I lit my candles, I sprayed my fancy room spray. I wrote a list of things I want to buy, additions I want to make to my wardrobe. I haven’t really shopped for clothes this year because I’ve been telling myself I need to lose weight first. I went out to buy the strapless bra I’ve been planning to get since July so I can wear nice maxi gowns. I got myself ice cream on the way home. I wrote a to-do list and crossed out things on it. I decided to write this post and show you my website instead of waiting for the perfect time. And I’m planning that holiday that I’ve been dreaming of all year.
My God is a God of abundant life, and I will live life abundantly. It’s not enough to know how to live in the midst of scarcity. God wants me to know how to enjoy having plenty. The most important thing is being content always. Not afraid, content. I can do all things through him who gives me strength!
Please leave a comment and tell me what part of this resonated with you most, and share with your friends too!
20 Responses
God is a God of abundance. May she break the spirit of lack we often operate in. I’m learning this too. So much of this I relatable. Thank you..
Thank you Adenike for sharing, I would say the part that resonated the most with me is pretty much the whole thing.
As someone who recently got a job after a year and a half of waiting on God, I have somehow put off being able spend on myself and get nice stuff because I am either saving for the future or giving it out because it’s easier to give to other people than myself.
The key takeaway for me would be it’s okay to be content whilst living in the abundant life that God has given me.
Looking forward to your writing. Love you(sounds weird in my head but I have followed you for a while and I really love you as a sister in Christ)
Keep shining for Jesus
P.S you write so beautifully.
This!! I’ve had that fear and it took over my mind that it actually happened. (job 3:25), It’s irrational, it’s an evil spirit and it’s not from God(2Tim1:7), Gods plan for us is abundance (John 10:10) and to be better and have better (prv 4:18).
Hmmmm omoooo i can totally resonate to being more comfortable with giving others than yourself and just the need to be intentional about LIVING life , like not just autopilot but LIVE and ENJOY.
First of all, I’m happy to be the first to comment on this beautiful post!😁 Also, I love how you’re able to express yourself with your words so clearly and in a straight forward manner. But honestly, several things you wrote really resonated with me especially the part where you spoke about panicking about spending on yourself. I need to learn this more. To realize that I can also give to myself even while giving to others and it is very okay to do that. I’ve learned and unlearned some things today, thanks to you. I’m happy for you Raks🥺💛. Congratulations on launching your blog, your new phone too and all the beautiful decor you’ll put up in your apartment!
Really love this post! Thank you! Living life 💛💛
Such a beautiful read!😍😍you write so gracefully. I will live my life now more intentionally💫 well done Raks💛👏
This is so good 🥺❤, its funny how the devil is always out to make us captives of one type of fear or the other. I’m always grateful to God for being intentional and attentive to us at every moment. His heart for you is beautiful Raks❤
This right here is so relatable! It’s easy to get caught up worrying about the “future” that you don’t live and enjoy the present. Some of our worries are built off experiences or advice from others instead of what God is saying to us per time. Thanks for sharing, Adenike. This was quite introspective for me.
P.s- You write beautifully.
Hmm, our childhood experiences can so much affect our mindset that it keeps us in a cage of scarcity and rob us of enjoying abundant life. One must intentional fight the war against such mindset.
This was really needed, Raks! The first thing that crossed my mind when I started reading this was “Life is for living, not living uptight”. From today I’ll begin to live my best life, knowing that Abba is a God of abundance.
‘It’s not enough to know how to live in the midst of scarcity’. Being a Nigerian, this hits so much. Our parents taught us only how to manage any available resources.. 2022 my year of consciously living in abundance. Gloryyy
Oh my Gosh! I’m so excited to see you start this blog
The phone part and “enjoying yourself ” resonated with me the most
“The most important thing is being content. Not afraid, content.”
“It’s not enough to know how to live in the midst of scarcity. God wants me to know how to enjoy having plenty.”
Absolutely loved this post and a lot of it resonated with me. Thank you for sharing.
The moment I saw the title; life is for living, I screamed because not too long ago the holy spirit asked me to be grateful for life by truly living. I realised that if someone offered me death in a way that wouldn’t make my loved ones feel bad, I would take it only because I wasnt enjoying my life. I’m not suffering, I’m not even depressed, I have just lived my life in anticipation of my dream life. So just like you I havent been living, just hoping and waiting. So he said to me live, love vicariously, live like you truly want to. Thanks for sharing Raks. Cheers to truly living. The one who has provided this much won’t stop now.
Yeah Raks, this is so true. Learn to live the abundant life of God.
Thank you so much for sharing, Raks!❤️❤️
I can definitely relate to being scared of change and living in scarcity, wondering if I’ll need the money I just spent on new shoes in two weeks. I feel like God was (and still is) slowly walking me out of that mindset so I can rest in His peace and abundance.
I can really relate to this.
Instead of living the moment. I will be thinking or imagining the worst that could happen .
Thank you Raks for sharing.
This resonated with me deeply. I chose to read this as part of my routine of morning reading and I’m glad I did! Amazing read.
Absolutely loved this post! Abba has been speaking to me on this and 2021 was a lot of walking it out with Him. I am still learning. This post contributed to the learning process. Thank you for obeying 💖