So last night, I was in the process of trying to choose my new phone. I say “choose”, because even though I already know the phone I want, I was stalling by watching YouTube videos, reading numerous reviews and trying to decide on if I really wanted that specific phone. It’s the Google Pixel 6 if you’re wondering. I even considered getting the iPhone 13 instead. Tbh at this point, I should have realised I wasn’t thinking straight because I don’t even like iPhones. Love my MacBook, but the iPhone just doesn’t really do it for me. At a point I got super nervous, my heart started beating really fast and I started to panic.
Why? I felt like I don’t deserve to spend such a huge amount of money on getting a new phone when there’s nothing wrong with the one I’m currently using. I said to myself, “Raks, you might need this money for something else, what if there’s an emergency? Why are you spending this much money on a phone?”
I realised that deep down inside there’s something that makes me feel like I don’t deserve good things. Or I shouldn’t get nice things for myself. The funny part is that I teased God about gifting me a new phone as one of my birthday presents, and shortly after my friend sent me the money for the phone and said God asked her to send the money. So it’s not even like I’m spending my own money or savings or anything like that. Anyway, I decided to sleep on it instead of making the transfer.
This morning, I woke up with an epiphany. I need to live life. I need to enjoy life. I can’t keep feeling guilty about being blessed. Sometimes it feels unreal how far God has brought me, how much he has blessed me. I’m almost confused about what to do with such abundance. I find it easier to give to others instead of spending on myself. I realised I can’t keep being afraid that I will somehow be disappointed or left in scarcity, all of a sudden. I can’t keep thinking that God will make me get used to a certain kind of lifestyle and then I’ll suddenly be unable to maintain it or keep up with it.
I looked around my room and I realised that I haven’t decorated it, or added anything because each time I want to, I tell myself “you might soon leave here, so don’t buy anything”. I live anticipating change so much that I forget to just breathe and enjoy the moment and the present. It’s probably a result of all the disruption and disappointment I experienced in my childhood, so I subconsciously brace for the worst. I’ve been living here since January, and asides from the TV I bought, I haven’t really invested in making it home. God gave me my own space like I prayed so hard for and I’ve not even let myself relax enough to enjoy it because I’m afraid that something will happen and I’ll suddenly not be able to afford my rent and I’ll have to move out. Which is frankly ridiculous.
Here is an excerpt from my journal this morning
Each day I’m learning that it’s not enough to dream about a certain kind of life. I have the control to live it. There’s absolutely nothing stopping me from living the life of my dreams. Even God is in support of me living the life of my dreams. Sometimes I get afraid and my heart can scarcely believe it. I don’t want to take it in, in case it all gets taken away. In case things get worse. I didn’t even realise this is a fear I’ve been nursing. The fear of getting used to a certain life and having it ripped away from me.
And God said to me
Don’t live your life in fear and the fear of scarcity my beloved. I love you and I want you to have an live an abundant life. Enjoy yourself my darling, enjoy yourself.
So today I started to live in the present. I love morning routines, so I woke up and made myself a cup of tea and no, it didn’t feel pretentious. I lit my candles, I sprayed my fancy room spray. I wrote a list of things I want to buy, additions I want to make to my wardrobe. I haven’t really shopped for clothes this year because I’ve been telling myself I need to lose weight first. I went out to buy the strapless bra I’ve been planning to get since July so I can wear nice maxi gowns. I got myself ice cream on the way home. I wrote a to-do list and crossed out things on it. I decided to write this post and show you my website instead of waiting for the perfect time. And I’m planning that holiday that I’ve been dreaming of all year.
My God is a God of abundant life, and I will live life abundantly. It’s not enough to know how to live in the midst of scarcity. God wants me to know how to enjoy having plenty. The most important thing is being content always. Not afraid, content. I can do all things through him who gives me strength!
Please leave a comment and tell me what part of this resonated with you most, and share with your friends too!